*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
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Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
still the best tweet of the year by far
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.