Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
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Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
IT’S-A ME,
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”