After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
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No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Mmmm. Shoeshi
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.