[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
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If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them