With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
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An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.