The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
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Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks