Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
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When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
☠️☠️☠️
*weighs self after shaving
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.