Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
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I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
pat pat
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.