People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
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Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss