[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
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[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
That’s amazing.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
spot the difference
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.