Very problematic
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angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
How to wake up a Beagle
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please