Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
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Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start