I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
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Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea