[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
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[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Van Gone