SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
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First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……