I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
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My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.