Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
You Might Also Like
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
two people or more is called a problem
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
the best thing i’ve ever made
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!