Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
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the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.