I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
You Might Also Like
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Y’all know who you are.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack