This is my emotional support online shopping cart
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
These 3D printers are insane!
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.