me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
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What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife