Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
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When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Me irl
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Great Canadian literature.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
When can I start eating bats again.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?