Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
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Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
moms in horror movies
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
That de-escalated quickly
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants