A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
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Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Baller is short for ballerina
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.