66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
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Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
is it earth
when someone compliments me
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
me and the Superbowl rn
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.