My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
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I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one