*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
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“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner