It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
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the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
We decided to have money instead of children.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.