We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
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Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Saturday
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Snapes on a plane.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Breaking news:
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?