Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
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Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks