Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
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Lol
Stop.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
From my Mom
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.