My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
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I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.