Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
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Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail