Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
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the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself