So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
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No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
No, YOUR illiterate.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Catercrombie & Fish
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.