Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
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The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.