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Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?