Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
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*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
My teenage children choosing violence
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.