first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 馃槶馃槶 am I doing this wrong
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Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I鈥檓 carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that鈥檚 good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Dr: how鈥檚 your diet?
Me: I鈥檝e been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn鈥檛 good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Yeah I like bananas. When they鈥檙e almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer