Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
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BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Yup
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.