if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
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me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
very niche meme I made
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.