As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
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Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
mom had nothing to worry about
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.