[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
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I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you