This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
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Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Going to church you guys need anything
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Every photo I’m tagged in
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H