When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
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What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Mouse
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.