Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
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Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.