The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
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Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair