Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
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“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I put the p in pants.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Me irl
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?