I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
You Might Also Like
Birds & Planes.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
If you know, you know 😂🚔
secret recipe
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
my retirement plan is braless
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Delightful if true: booby trap.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.