I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Google assistant rules
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.